Personally....
i don't get that personal in my blogs anymore. I remember in High School I use to spew any amount of emotion I had on to this thing. Well not this particular one but another one. I wish I hadn't deleted my old blogs and Livejournal and Xanga. I did so because my mom told me to. She searched my name on google or yahoo or some search engine and found them, read the content and told me to delete them. She said "What if a job searches your name and finds these?" I guess she was right but all of that history just erased. I still have the memories. I just want to know what I wrote about. I use to say some pretty ignorant shit. Oh the trappings of youth. It's so beautiful.
Posting AIM conversations was my favorite thing to do. Oh the invasion of privacy. That was a beautiful thing. Ending conversations with "This is going on my blog." Wow what a loser but in retrospect it's pretty hilarious. The hilarity just keeps me laughing hysterically.
I've never been so torn before about anything in my life. Should I stay in Los Angeles with the love of my life the only woman who has ever loved me like she does, and the only woman who I've ever loved like I do. Should I stay in L.A. with my one and only true love or should I go back to Seattle for my sanity and happiness?
I'm miserable down here. I don't like it down here at all. The one bright spot is my love but I don't get to see her as often. I get to deal with the bull shit this transient city has to offer. LA LA land is right. The land of cluelessness, if such a word exists. I've never seen such blatant disregard for humanity in my life. Never wanted to kill so many people before in my life. Never hated to breathe air and drink water so much in my life. This is really a concrete jungle. With coyotes, raccoons, skunks, tarzans and janes. Not to mention the flying cockroaches who's brethren invest my 1,000 dollar a month apartment. 1,000 dollars a month gets me a three bedroom apartment in a suburb of Seattle.
It's expensive beyond belief for no reason. NO REASON! I have to live in Compton, South Central, or Watts to find affordable housing. But that housing is still too expensive for the area and property you live in and on. I could move to Bakersfield or somewhere but that's like two hours away from Los Angeles and I need to be in Los Angeles. I also have to pay out of state tuition for college down here making it about three times more expensive down here than if I was in Seattle. Finances is big in me considering going back home.
It's so hard. I keep flip flopping back and forth. Reminds me of Around the Horn. I love that show and Pardon the Interruption. Great sports talk. Especially Pardon the Interruption. But anyway I don't want to go, but I want to go. I keep swaying back and forth between the two options like a pendulum. Love or happiness instead of Love and happiness. Sorry Mr. Green I can't have both or maybe I can. I just have to think this through. I've told everyone back in Seattle that I'm going back for sure but that's not true at all. I am far from sure. I just can't leave her. It's going to be too hard. It's going to be like separating Siamese twins conjoined at the head and heart. I need her to think and I need her to help pump blood to the rest of my body. She's become vital to my survival but if I'm unhappy I can't make her happy. Then we can't be happy. I can't be the man she deserves.
Maybe I should just suck it up and stay. I'm already here, I'm in school, have a good job, got car insurance and shit. Not to mention her.......to just pack up would be uprooting a sapling. My life down here is just developing. But home is where I'm happiest. I don't want to do this!! I wish she would just come home with me. But she has dreams and I want her to realize them. I wish saying goodbye was as easy as saying hello.
or...
Why is this so hard?
Posting AIM conversations was my favorite thing to do. Oh the invasion of privacy. That was a beautiful thing. Ending conversations with "This is going on my blog." Wow what a loser but in retrospect it's pretty hilarious. The hilarity just keeps me laughing hysterically.
I've never been so torn before about anything in my life. Should I stay in Los Angeles with the love of my life the only woman who has ever loved me like she does, and the only woman who I've ever loved like I do. Should I stay in L.A. with my one and only true love or should I go back to Seattle for my sanity and happiness?
I'm miserable down here. I don't like it down here at all. The one bright spot is my love but I don't get to see her as often. I get to deal with the bull shit this transient city has to offer. LA LA land is right. The land of cluelessness, if such a word exists. I've never seen such blatant disregard for humanity in my life. Never wanted to kill so many people before in my life. Never hated to breathe air and drink water so much in my life. This is really a concrete jungle. With coyotes, raccoons, skunks, tarzans and janes. Not to mention the flying cockroaches who's brethren invest my 1,000 dollar a month apartment. 1,000 dollars a month gets me a three bedroom apartment in a suburb of Seattle.
It's expensive beyond belief for no reason. NO REASON! I have to live in Compton, South Central, or Watts to find affordable housing. But that housing is still too expensive for the area and property you live in and on. I could move to Bakersfield or somewhere but that's like two hours away from Los Angeles and I need to be in Los Angeles. I also have to pay out of state tuition for college down here making it about three times more expensive down here than if I was in Seattle. Finances is big in me considering going back home.
It's so hard. I keep flip flopping back and forth. Reminds me of Around the Horn. I love that show and Pardon the Interruption. Great sports talk. Especially Pardon the Interruption. But anyway I don't want to go, but I want to go. I keep swaying back and forth between the two options like a pendulum. Love or happiness instead of Love and happiness. Sorry Mr. Green I can't have both or maybe I can. I just have to think this through. I've told everyone back in Seattle that I'm going back for sure but that's not true at all. I am far from sure. I just can't leave her. It's going to be too hard. It's going to be like separating Siamese twins conjoined at the head and heart. I need her to think and I need her to help pump blood to the rest of my body. She's become vital to my survival but if I'm unhappy I can't make her happy. Then we can't be happy. I can't be the man she deserves.
Maybe I should just suck it up and stay. I'm already here, I'm in school, have a good job, got car insurance and shit. Not to mention her.......to just pack up would be uprooting a sapling. My life down here is just developing. But home is where I'm happiest. I don't want to do this!! I wish she would just come home with me. But she has dreams and I want her to realize them. I wish saying goodbye was as easy as saying hello.
or...
Why is this so hard?
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