Muse

Perspective is difficult to acquire. I'm not trying to guide you to the Lincoln Memorial with steps or to the Sun with a murder of crows. It's more like walking in someone else's shoes, seeing what they see, understanding.

I had a best friend and a lover who said she loved me. Over time it was said less frequently and I could tell that it was getting increasingly burdensome. Before it was like eating ice cream now it's tying your shoes or buying slip-ons so you don't have to tie them at all. I understood, it happens. Banally "I've loved and I've lost." Especially when you're dealing with someone who fucks up as much as I do, you're going to lose a lot of women (if you can get them). I fucked up every event and occasion: birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, lunch at a fucking cafe on arbitrary afternoons, dinner, just about any-fucking-thing built with immense expectations. Expectations that coincided with a preeminent fuck up who never expects anything. She was always good with surprises.

My tongue got me into trouble. I can be very verbally abusive when I'm angry. I've said some things to her that I refuse to repeat and would never say to any other woman. Things that torment me I drown in the thoughts of her tears. Tears that were too often palpable. Palpability due to phrases of pure evil, unadulterated disgust, sentences that are physically incendiary to the ear drums and singe every nerve in the brain. I can also be very insecure and assuming and my mind would draw scenarios from imagination (2+2 would always = 5). She did something to me that could manifest some scolding/loving thoughts, actions, and words. She does something to me that I can't explain.

Furthermore, I would constantly seek attention from other females. That was my true downfall; Samson was my name and any Delilah would do. All the texts, Emails, Myspace messages (whatever the courier of deceit wherever she caught the deception) were from females who in comparison to her were....well.....trash (no offense)! That broke her down. How could she continue to show me love when I was seeking attention from a junkyard

of Oscar the Grouches? I can't even imagine how hurtful, denigrating, humiliating, and infuriating that was. Well actually I felt the fury; bites, scratches, bruises, and a busted lip remain vividly pleasurable (and also fuel my masochism).

Every act of aggression was nourished by love. When the beatings stopped I knew she had become indifferent. I fucked up too many times and everyone gets fed up.

Perspective acquired too late. I've always been very intuitive about people's emotions. I think that's because I'm very honest with my own: to an extent. I could not only see it in her eyes, I felt love lost with every touch, and kiss. I felt it in every aspect of our relationship. She distressingly cared for me but the love had absconded. It hurts but my Al Bundy machismo won't let me break down. Although, I can't eat much and I can't sleep. I feel like I'm trapped in a 1990's R&B track.

So I understand the loss of love. It was inevitable as it is with me (and you too). After she broke off our relationship she always would said "I want you to remain in my life." I can't. I'm not. She's out of my life completely and I miss her.

She's my muse and I can't wait to see what we create. In this way you'll remain in mine. Change in perspective. Goodbye, I love you.