There are my pants! Part I: Chuckie's peril

I published "There Are My Pants! Part I" on Exploding Buffalo a few weeks back and after agonizing over the direction I wanted to take the story I think I've come up with a ripe and interesting follow up. Here's "Part I" in its entirety. Part II is now up on www.explodingbuffalo.com.

THERE ARE MY PANTS: Part I

“Yo Teddy?! Have you seen my pants?”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Charles?”

The last thing I remember is chasing a beer bong full of Sangria with a double shot of Tequila while attempting to seduce Tony’s girlfriend. Now I’m in the middle of Pershing Square wearing my Jim Morrison t-shirt, Chuck Taylors, and my “tighty whities.” It’s like a bad dream but real. I had to call Teddy and ask him what happened last night because he should know. The party was at his house.

“How the fuck did I get Downtown?” I angrily inquire.

“I have no fucking clue what the fuck you’re talking about, bro,” answers back a befuddled Teddy.

“I’m Downtown in Pershing Square in my fucking underwear!! HOW THE FUCK DID I GET HERE?”

“Man dude, you must of been FUCKED UP!! I told you not to mess with Tony’s girl.” Teddy chuckles.

“FUCK TONY!! And where are my damn pants?!!”

I was relieved that I still had my Chucks and quite puzzled. How did they get my tight ass pants over my shoes? Teddy and I bantered with each other for another five minutes then I hung up. He had no valuable information about my current condition. I called Tony next. He had to be pissed about me hitting on his girlfriend Lyn and in retaliation he stripped off my pants, drove my incapacitated, and vomit drenched corpse to the heart of Downtown Los Angeles laughing, that incendiary laugh.

“Tony!”

“What up Chuck?” Tony giggles.

“Yeah, whatever mother fucker. You knew I was fucked up I didn’t mean to touch Lyn’s tits. You didn’t have to do this to me you punk bitch! How the hell am I going to get home?!” I shout irritably.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm the fuck down! First of all, when you touched Lyn’s tits I thought it was hilarious you were drunk off your ass!! Second, what the fuck are you talking about? Do what to you?” Confusedly responds Tony.

“LEFT MY ASS PANTS-LESS IN PERSHING SQUARE!! ALL FUCKING NIGHT!!” I yell at the top of my lungs.

Tony drops his phone and all you could hear was his scolding laugh.

Now, you would think that a six feet, 200 pound, pant-less character in the middle of a high traffic Subway stop would draw more attention. Well I didn’t until I began to shout and I didn’t care. I was furious that I had to try to find my way home without my wallet, keys, and pants! But it wasn’t Tony, we had been friends forever and he reminded me that I had probably touched the tits of every one of his girlfriends while drunk. He wouldn’t do this to me.

……..TO BE CONTINUED