Love to Love Me

This is a piece I wrote for Word is Bond Zine. Oh yes, you read correctly. Word is Bond Zine is still around but in print form. It should be available at your local Los Angeles Area boutique pretty soon. This was an expose I wrote for the next issue which is themed "Self Love." I hope for arousal and/or vomiting. Enjoy!

LOVE TO LOVE ME

Lock your doors!

By The Big Chief

I’ve been caught doing a plethora of unholy activities; once my mother walked in on my ex-girlfriend and me while I was giving it to her Snoop’s first album. Another time I was caught stealing the afternoon before a Del tha Funkee Homosapien show at the Showbox in Seattle. I had stolen, attempted to steal rather, a swimsuit magazine. I was embarrassed to tell the friend I was going to the show with that I couldn’t attend the show because I got caught stealing some whacking material. So I told him and everyone who asked, that I was trying to secure some Visine. Visine being something I would typically steal from Safeway as a Junior in high school because smoking marijuana was (and still is) my favorite activity.

To religious zealots from all sects of organized religion self-gratification is worthy of a scolding bath in the flames of Hell or wherever, but to me an agnostic (now atheist) teenage kid there was nothing more satisfying than whipping out my pipe and doing some vigorous plumbing. Frankly, I fucked myself at least three times a day from the 7^th Grade up until my first taste of teenage lust when I was a Senior in high school. I think that explains the many naps I took and also my substantial knowledge of many of the old porn starlets the likes of; Kobe Tai, Sylvia Saint, Amber Michaels, and the greatest of them all Jenna Jameson.

One ill-fated day my older brother had went off to work and my other two brothers went off somewhere and that left my mother and me at home. With my brothers gone I felt this ample opportunity to rub one out before I started my day. So I grabbed one of our three porn VHS tapes and took it into my older brother’s room because he was the only one who still had a VCR. My brother and I shared a room upstairs next to my older brothers while my mother and my little brother shared a room downstairs. If I knew my mom was home I would leave the door open so I could hear her footsteps just incase she came upstairs to get a glass a water or whatever.

Well…I pop the tape in and I’m sitting on the edge of my brother’s bed with my cock in one hand and the remote in the other (typical technique) fast forwarding the tape to my favorite scene. It was Gina Lynn and Ian Stone and well Ian fucks the shit out of Gina in this scene. I’m sitting there stroking my pole like I’m pumping a Super Soaker and before my climax I hear; “What the fuck are you doing nasty ass?” I turn around and my mother is standing in the doorway of the room. “Give me that damn tape!” I take the Porno out of the VCR and precede to hand it to her embarrassingly. One thing that amazed me was how fast my erection deflated. I guess all the blood rushed from my hard prick to my face because I know I was redder than Faye Reagan’s hair. As soon as I heard my mom’s voice I was softer than Gianna Michaels tits look. She ripped the tape apart as if she was going through a divorce and that was video of her wedding. “Nasty mother fucker!” Then she threw the tape at me and stomped back downstairs to her room. I kept thinking to myself “She must be a fucking ninja how the fuck didn’t I hear her walk up those steps?” I must have really been into Gina Lynn’s labia. After I got over the embarrassment I took the Club Magazine I had under my bed and went to the bathroom and stuck a few pages together.

That was the first and last time my mother ever caught me with my dick in my hand. If you’re going to love yourself good, lock the door.